An unfortunate fact of my life is that being depressed does not make me skinny. Nor does breastfeeding. Both of those usually suction fat out of those experiencing one or the other – and if you have both, well, most people seem to walk away from depression and lactation with less than half the body weight they had when they started.
NOT ME THOUGH!!! Oh no! Not MY body!
Ha! As if. My body took one look at having kids, you know, the act of actually growing children in your body and was all, “that’s supposed to make you fat?! Let me see what I can do!!” (*rubbed hands with glee*), cackled and threw me DEPRESSION and BREASTFEEDING.
I know there is a growing movement here in the US to accept and love fat and trust me, I am ALL FOR IT. I grew up in Fiji for crying out loud. This isn’t a post about fat hate, and it can’t be, because I simply don’t hate fat.
But I am not comfortable in my skin right now. I’m uncomfortable with how my body moves. With the rolls of fat that now press into my back, the feel of the excess that moves with me in one fluid flow as I walk or “run” (- quick waddle). At the same time, I feel kind of trapped, not sure about how or what to do about it.
Here’s the point where I literally stop writing and have a conversation in my head (as I watch a moth that somehow got inside, dance around);
-you could bike instead of drive
nope, Micah can’t make it most places and back yet
– you could get one of the extension things or a big ass bike carrier and fit the kids in
nope, those are like, $3,000
– you could walk instead of drive
can’t carry Mack all the way (while pushing Moxie in the BOB and Micah bike riding next to us)
– you could get a double stroller like a Phil & Ted’s
hmm. Yes. I can do that.
Then the next hour goes to Craigslist, checking out Phil & Ted’s strollers. But I’m still left without a stroller for 2 kids when everyone wakes up and the cycle seems to repeat itself.
I’ve tried various things – yoga, which I absolutely adore, and pilates which I like – and the reason I don’t go is because – honestly? – Mikey’s face when I get home is pretty drastic. He really has a borderline impossible time with all 3 kids.
What does that leave me? Morning jogs.
That’s cool and when I do it, I feel great. It’s the choice between writing/painting and exercise, really – I have about an hour, an hour and a half most mornings in which to call my own. Either I write for my sanity or I exercise for my sanity.
And then just thinking about it all makes me feel my fat a little more keenly and makes me a little more uncomfortable with everything and then I get depressed. Then… TAILSPIN!
You know what else bums me out? The thought that this is probably about not valuing myself enough to make time for MY BODY.
New season, new goal: I’m going to change this. I suppose I’m mostly writing this post to have something in the future to refer back to, talk about some progress.
My goal: take care of ME. Put my priority where my butt is (that sounds so funny!): walk, run, exercise daily. Get strong again. Lose the 50 lbs I’ve put on through growing and birthing these kids.
You mama/sisters out there who know what this is about, advice/tips are really appreciated.
Over & out.
Speaking of fat. Or sort of. ModCloth has a ton of really awesome – RETRO INSPIRED!! – clothes for us girls on the plus side of things. I don’t honestly understand how they keep their prices so low while having such cute stuff – their sales get down to $20 vintage-inspired dresses! From size 0- clear through 22+. Plus, tons of fun accessories like camera necklaces for $15. Anyway, check it out, it’s fun looking even if you don’t buy: ModCloth