This Time, Last Year

In the early morning of August 5th 2016, I was preparing to drive from the Lost Coast with the kids to stay the night at your place in Blue Lake, Dana. I was excited.

I was going to be seeing so many friends in Portland, and Helena and her tribe were going to meet us there and we were going to camp and road trip back down to the Bay Area.

Everything about my plan was exciting to me, not least that I’d be staying briefly with you.

We couldn’t stop talking, you and I.

We move from the kitchen to living room to your porch swing, and talked about everything.

We took a selfie.

What Would I Have Done Had I Known?

What would I have done differently on this day last year, had I known it would be the last time in this physical form that we’d spend a significant amount of time together (with you conscious)?

That the next day would be the last time I’d ever hug you with your arms around me, hear your voice, feel the power of your energy and the comfort of your care?

What would I have done had I known that you would be released from this life exactly one month later?

I doubt it would have been much different.

I am lucky in that our lives spent traveling and moving around taught me to treasure moments with you. I didn’t you for granted.

On this day last year, we stayed up too late as it was. We were both exhausted, struggling to stay awake and yet loathe to go to sleep because we still had SO MUCH to say to each other.

We never had enough time.

Mack took this photo of you on his iPad as we were outside talking.

I later took this one of you with my Apple Watch:

You were more than my brother. I know this now.

I’ve realized that in this past year, in this space of a year that I’ve been without you. I know that the greatest gift of our relationship to one another was that we were spiritually connected, not just sharing the same DNA. You were my spiritual brother, not just my physical brother.

We’d push each other to grow, we were interested and excited in each other’s progress.

Oh sure, you made fun of how much I love kundalini yoga (“kunda-WHAT?!”) and I made fun of your love for Tony Robbins (“those TEETH!”), but we loved trading books, stories, music. Secrets.

It is said that leaving before people are ready for you to go is a gift in that it forces those people to choose to grow in ways they many not have chosen.

It forces them to grow because the only way they can stay connected to those that have left is GO HIGHER.

They cannot connect with those who have left by going low; people who have left cannot go low, they are connected with Source Energy (- God), so it’s impossible. The ONLY way to connect is by going higher, the only way to connect is by being more aligned with Source Energy.

This is the type of thing we’d talk about Dana, and we’d wonder what it would be like, if it was true, how would we ever know, when would we know?

I’m crying even as I type this, sitting here in your house, with all these wonderful memories around me. That’s where we sat and talked about *that* book, that’s where we laughed over *that* story. It’s all here, and even in my tears, through this pain of separation, I can feel your presence.

You are still here, and I am still trying to align myself. I know you are helping me. It’s true and I know it is, it’s just painful because, God! I miss you.

Meriah
is a deaf blogger, global nomad, tech-junkie, cat-lover, Trekkie, Celto-Teutonic-peasant-handed mom of 3 (one with Down syndrome and one gifted 2E).
She likes her coffee black and hot.
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I'm opinionated, friendly & chatty... I hope you are, too