All righty, okay, you want to show you are cool with disability, “special needs”, but you are not sure how to do it. Should you forward the meme on Facebook of that kid with Down syndrome? What to do?
Well, these are some things that would work for me – but bear in mind that I’m not all disabled people! I’m just one. And since my disabilities are far less discriminated against than my daughter’s, I’m writing this more from her perspective than my own.
10 Ways to Show You Are Cool With Down syndrome, “Special Needs” and Disability:
1. Make eye contact!
This seems so basic it feels dumb to write it. But you know what? A lot of people don’t make eye contact when they talk to people with disabilities. Maybe they are feeling uncomfortable, don’t know where to look, something else? Whatever; don’t be one of them! Just look at us in the eyes, connect visually (if you are not blind, that is), maintain eye contact.
Talk to us. Talk to me, talk to my child. Especially to my child. Even though she doesn’t talk much in return, she’s soaking in what you are saying.
Talk! Ask questions about things kids tend to like (my child loves shoes, babies, Dora the Explorer and cheerios, for example).
3. Show interest
Be as interested in my child or any child with a disability, as you would any other child of her age/cuteness level. Does that make sense? Some people just aren’t kid people; that’s fine – so don’t pretend to be a kid person. But if you are a kid person, be just as interested in the kids with disabilities as you are normally with any other kid of that age.
Interest in gadgetry counts. Kids who use wheelchairs? They are KIDS who USE wheelchairs; they are not wheelchairs! They are not “bound”! They are tool-using kids! Same goes for kids who use hearing aids or other tools – and if you are really interested in their tools, ask about it, for crying out loud. “Hey, what model is that? What’s your battery power?” – the point being, just as you would with anyone else, be sincere in your interest, and honest in your questions and it’s cool.
It’s very, very cool.
Like, sincerely. Invite my child to parties or events or things that you are throwing or wanting to attend. Desire her presence, or want to get to know her. Even if you don’t think she can make it, it feels good to know that you are wanted. Right? Not many people like sitting alone at the cafeteria table.
5. Think of us in the picture
That’s to say: care about inclusion and access. My child, me or children who have needs different than what is typical.
This is big: it kind of makes me feel like crying when you’ve thought about access or inclusion: you jumped ahead and thought about the fact that my child might have sensory issues and so when you are suggesting a place to eat together, you say, “hey, how about that place outside by the grass? It’s quiet there.”
Or something like that.
When it’s clear to me that you’ve thought about our needs without my having to bring it up, it means the world to me.
6. Standing Up
You know those memes that go around that sometimes seem funny? Or the jokes/tumblr’s that are about something or other but have a mocking smell to them? Besides not “liking” them on social media, it means so much when you call them on their shit.
- “hey, this is a little uncool” (*or: repugnant, gross, execrable, mean or my personal new favorite, “pestiferous”)
- “we’re ahead of this; mean isn’t funny anymore (was it ever?)”
- “offensive isn’t laughable”
- your own utterly witty call-out
I get tired of being the only one commenting, I feel alone and lonely when I see things like “retardsy” or “f*cktard”, when I’m slammed as being “too sensitive”, “too PC” for asking people to cut it out.
Your joining me means a lot to me. It really shows me that you care, that you are cool with my child’s disability, with me. That you will stand up for her, me and the two thirds of the planet that are said to either have a disability or a connection with disability.
7. The Stories About the Homecoming Kings and Queens? …etc
The posts about the homecoming Kings and Queens with Down syndrome, the video of the child with Down syndrome and the dog? The kid included on the basketball court and all those other “inspirational” stories… um. Yeah. They don’t float my boat. More often than not, those are screaming examples of Inspiration Porn for me and I can do without a daily dose of it.
It might be helpful to think about it in racial terms to see where I am coming from. Would you be passing around a meme of an Asian guy on a basketball court, saying something like, “The Only Disability in Life is a Bad Attitude”, or what about a photo of an African American girl, crowned Homecoming Queen with taglines of “Try Before You Fail!”
Right?! Okay. So before you forward that stuff, just do the easy beginner’s litmus test – the quick mental swap – disability with race – to see whether or not something is going to be rubbing people wrong.
8. Hire Someone With a Disability
This totally seems like a huge jump, doesn’t it?! I mean, I’m going from forwarding a meme to HIRING someone! But it’s really, honestly not a big leap.
Don’t think that because you are a stay at home mom or don’t have much money or whatever that you can’t: YOU CAN!! Experience counts as pay in many intern/experience-oriented positions. Think about hiring interns/people seeking experience for all kinds of stuff:
- blog building
- bicycle repairs
- website development
- mother’s helpers
- child care
- art making
- food preparation
- administrative assistance
Those are just some examples, and you know what? There are a LOT of programs out there to help connect you with people with disabilities who want to work and need some experience and maybe some training. A lot of these programs even PAY YOU to “hire disabled”. If you want to try this and need help connecting, email me. No, really, email me: this used to be my job; I know my way around this subject.
Nothing says you are cool with disability and value people with disabilities as choosing to take someone with a disability under your wing as an intern/apprentice/employee…
9. Reach Out
Do you have friends with disabilities? Real and true friends? If not, consider going the extra mile to make friends with people with disabilities. People with disabilities are the same as any other cultural tribe – there are going to be people that you’ll love and get along with really well and there will be assholes. So you just need to reach out, be friendly, be yourself and go from there.
10. Ask Questions
I appreciate nothing more than honestly-asked questions. Now, this just me, one disabled person and I run strongly along the lines of Deaf-culture in this regard (- I am extremely frank, to the point of appearing tactless). But I’ve always appreciated people asking what they are curious about. How else is anyone going to learn, after all?
Ask your friends with disabilities questions. Ask people questions. Do you want to know why Autistics flap their hands? Ask an Autistic. Want to know what brain injury is about? Ask me. Want to know what it feels like to have fibromyalgia? Ask someone with fibromyalgia.
Ask questions. Extra points for good, hard, well-thought out ones, but all questions asked in the spirit of trying to better understand another are welcome.
With me anyway. But I’m just one person with a disability, remember. We’re not all the same.
I’m not a big fan of “awareness” months or whatever. I think “awareness” is about daily life; it’s the grind of a real walk and talk. It’s not a once-a-month project; I am not a once-a-month project and my Moxie is certainly not a once-a-month project (-we’re daily ones! – okay, totally joking there).
This isn’t a token effort, it’s not a light little thing that you buy or forward or pass on. It’s a deeper effort of seeing, establishing, sustaining and strengthening connections with people who might seem really different from yourself. It’s about reaching out and standing up for things that are not comfortable to stand up for. It’s about integrity. Caring and friendship.
Those are the most important ways that I can think of – but tell me what I missed.
Meriah Nichols is a counselor. Solo mom to 3 (one with Down syndrome, one on the spectrum). Deaf, and neurodiverse herself, she’s a gardening nerd who loves cats, Star Trek, and takes her coffee hot and black.
Hi Meriah, this is a great conversation to start and I love that you included stuff that may seem simple (like eye contact) and other things that some folks wouldn’t think of as a form of support (like hiring disabled people, yeah for hiring disabled people!)
I know a lot of my friends don’t welcome questions, because so often they come with a kind of gawking tone. But I know that others are fine with them, and you kept it clear that you’re talking for yourself and am appreciative to have your perspective. This is something I’ll share with parents, I think for many of them it will be a new opening to thinking about ways of being in the world.
I know you asked for input so since you asked I thought I’d mention that for some folks the word lame is still pretty hurtful and painful to hear, since it’s now equated with bad and weak, but way back when it was used to describe their bodies. I’m not sure if you meant it that way in the post above, but when calling out ableist nonsense, using the word lame will for some people feel like doing more ableist nonsense.
I have enjoyed your posts for several months since I first came across them, it’s my first time commenting, but thanks for your writing. Cory
Thanks, Cory! And thanks for the “lame” comment – I went and changed it. “Pestiferous” is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better.
Nailed it. Every point was spot on. Love that it pertains to all disabilities. I am a wheelchair using paralyzed mother of 2 (heading off on our own RV adventure in ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!), and all I really, truly, desire is not accommodation, or accessibility (as grateful as I am for ramps, etc) but true inclusion – not as a person with a disability, but as a fellow mother, friend, homeschooling parent, ‘soccer’ mom, or whatever role I am in.
A few years ago, my daughters took figure skating lessons for years, the ‘accessible’ area of the stands was the only area I could sit in to watch my kids skate – the other parents were accustomed to sitting in a different area of the bleachers, and NOT ONCE over those years of lessons did they come and sit in the accessible section with me.
That hurt me more than almost anything.
Don’t be uncomfortable with me, I don’t bite – just talk to me.
This is awesome and amazing and I am tagging to use when I am trying to explain these sorts of issues to others. (ESPECIALLY love the idea you have on “inspirational porn” and Think of us in the Picture. WELL DONE!!!
I couldn’t agree more with all your points! I feel the same way, especially about the mere token of awareness and about inspiration porn. That’s not real acceptance. It’s just playing into stereotypes. Also, I’m with you on speaking out against offensive language. Calling someone on that isn’t too PC and it’s tiresome to be told that! Great post! I’ll be sharing it on the Words I Wheel By Facebook page!
I am the Facebook page administrator for the Cuyahoga County Board of Developmental Disabilities (in Northeast Ohio/Cleveland area). I am going to post this link on our page. I hope you get some “cool” responses…
My method of showing I’m cool with ANYONE or ANYTHING is with a huge smile and a hug when appropriate:)
Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Lisa!
I just stumbled upon your blog and I’m so glad I did! This post is dead on and I appreciate you using a racial comparison to the whole “Isn’t it sweet that we included this person with a disability on our home coming court?” issue. I’m totally using that in the future. Seriously brilliant. I guest posted for a friend recently about this same issue. My son has spina bifida and uses a wheelchair so we get our fair share of hero memes! You can read the post here: http://beth2285.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/it-takes-a-special-person-guest-post-by-mary-evelyn-smith/
You’ve got a very happy new follower! Thanks!
oh wow, THANK YOU! 🙂 Looking forward to reading your blog and getting to know you
Love your list. I especially agree with the one about the prom king/queen. While I want my 17yo daughter with cerebral palsy to be included in things, I do not want her to be a “token” or a “poster child” for someone else to appreciate. There’s a fine line there and although I can’t define where it is…I know when I see it. (Visiting from “Love That Max”)