Hey there, Mowahwah.
“Mowahwah,” because that’s what Dana calls me.
It’s bright outside and the kids are sleeping nearby in the car as I write this – oh, and yes!
You have kids! 3 of ’em!
And there, you were so scared to have biological offspring, worried as you were that you might “taint” them with your deafness, because you were never sure if your deafness was congenital or from the car accident that threw you into the windshield when you were 4 years old.
You were never tainted. Being deaf is not being tainted. I wish you believed in your brightness. I wish you believed that you are whole, always were, and that even if your children were born deaf, they could never be tainted.
I want to say a few things to you now, from my vantage-point of time
A letter to my younger self
1. It was never your fault.
I don’t want this letter to be a re-hash of sadness, a repeating of words said, sorrow raised and wounds inflicted. It doesn’t make me happy to dwell on that crap now, just as it didn’t to live it when I was your age. This speaks to the big, the horrible, the deep abuse left you twisted inside, that hurt so much that you absorbed the pain and made your own, thinking all the while that it was because of something you did, you were. You thought – as you were told – that you should not have been born, that you were a misfit that deserved it, deserved everything.
But it was not your fault.
It was not your fault.
It was never your fault.
Know it good and hard and get over it, put all the dark crap into a box and bury it and move on.
God does not make mistakes, the universe is perfect and knew what it was doing in calling you into existence.
So sit back and tune into that music and forget the other stuff – it will never do you any good to re-play those tunes.
I know you think getting a job in some big established place is the way to go and a high-ticket to security… and maybe it is for some people, but it won’t ever be for you.
The problem, you see, is that you won’t ever be able to conform well and you’ll always thrive and do your best stuff when pushed way far outside the box, when you are forced to use your disability-related skills.
You are going to do well at whatever you turn to – so turn to what you LOVE.
Do what you absolutely love, no more and no less.
Grow succulents! Write! Be a farmer! The money will come one or another, you’ll always find a way to make things work. But don’t settle and don’t think the big established place is the way to go: it’s only going to suck you dry and drain your soul.
You waited a long time in between travelling but… why? I know, you thought you needed to be married and you wanted to find Mikey (- who was worth finding, for sure), but… you should travel. You need to travel. Traveling ripens up your soul and makes life juicy for you.
So just GO! Travel! Go to Turkey, Macedonia, Bosnia, Nicaragua. Sell your car and buy a ticket to visit the old churches in Ethiopia that you want to, hop on the Orient Express like you dream of and go on a culinary tour of Vietnam! Do it!
And you know how it goes: that experience will unlock the doors to other experiences and work opportunities come from there, new friends, spaces and places and that’s how your world spins best. So GO.
4. Your friends
You will never make as many high-quality and lifelong friends as you will between the ages of 20-30, so TREASURE THEM. I mean, treat those ladies like the rockstars of awesomeness that they are, never forget what they mean to you, never forget that they love you, that they are precious and you are going to miss them so fricking much one day, so TREASURE THEM
5. Don’t worry so much
It’s bad for you. And a waste of time. Things always work out, you just have to believe that it will.
Save yourself some time and read these books right now: Ask and It Is Given and The Alchemist. These two books will blow you away – oh, and Money, and the Law of Attraction will be something you will listen to on Audible pretty much daily because it just makes you feel better on cloudy-soul-days.
Like it says in Desiderata,
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
your much older, better, sexier, glamorous Mowahwah-self
Meriah Nichols is a counselor. Solo mom to 3 (one with Down syndrome, one on the spectrum). Deaf, and neurodiverse herself, she’s a gardening nerd who loves cats, Star Trek, and takes her coffee hot and black.