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August 22, 2016

Being in limbo. Caught in a waiting space. 

Confusing fog that blanketed my reality. 

And my kids, living wholly in the moment.

children looking guilty

Soaking up the moment. Enjoying the bagels.

Playing everywhere, anywhere they could

They were not allowed in to see Dana, their spaces were strictly limited to the public areas.

Sometimes though, I just wondered what it might have been like if they had been able to see him.

It’s difficult to say. 

On one hand, Dana, so full of innate glee and child-like delight in life himself may have responded to their presence. Maybe they could have pulled him out?

On the other hand, I didn’t know where Dana was. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t feel him. The only thing I truly could feel was a sense of stillness, that the world was on pause. I felt like maybe that meant that Dana was spiritually recharging, rejuvenating, that he was connected like the Borg to his regeneration unit.

Their needs distracted me. Sometimes I was resentful, because all I wanted to do was sit next to Dana.

I needed to be tethered somehow, and that is exactly what they did for me, to me. So there was gratitude mixed in with that. A whole bucket full of mixed emotions.

The hotel we were staying at didn’t just offer discounts to hospital or ICU-connected families; it offered discounts to members of a local super church. A “super church” by the way, is a “super-sized” church; one of those mega churches, the likes of which one usually sees in the Bible belt. They tend to be pretty conservative, literal and have a high sheen of Vegas gloss over their sermons.

We became friends with this girl and enjoyed playing with her during the time she was attending her church. The kids loved playing with her. I was fascinated by her accounts of the church.

She said she’d put in a call for prayer, for Dana.

I appreciated that. I liked the idea of all those thousands of people praying for him.

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