There isn’t a day – and often even an hour – that goes by when I don’t think of my brother.
This is the thing: Dana is in alignment with the universe now.
He is with Source (- God), and Source is all Love.
If you walk into a dark room, it’s only dark as long as the light isn’t turned on. If you bring light in, there is no darkness, just as if you bring love in, hate dissipates. I don’t believe in “satan” or an actual presence of hate – I simply think that all darkness is the absence of light, and that love is the highest emotion.
I believe that love is what the universe is made from, and I believe that God is the Source of it.
This being said, my brother is with love, the highest emotion. He can’t go low; he can’t go to the lower emotions, ones in which love is absent. He can’t join me, as he once did when he was alive in physical form, in being there for me if I raged or whined. He can be there for me – and is there for me – if I join him in being present in the higher emotions.
Does that make sense?
In a nutshell, it’s that if I’m happy and full of love, he can be with me. If I’m full of anger and grief, he can’t.
Added to this, I find that I’m in a state of grace.
The pain of separation from my brother is like a cocoon that surrounds me.
If I walk through this cocoon, if I stay and move through my life with that cocoon wrapped over me, I am in grace.
It keeps me close to God. In order to stay in the cocoon though, it is necessary to keep my emotions aligned. I can’t be hateful and stay in the cocoon.
But it’s really, REALLY hard to stay aligned. It’s really hard to stay centered in my heart. It’s hard to keep my tether straight. It’s hard to make my spirit the priority in my life. It’s like choosing between a party-pack of Tapatio Doritos and a bag of kale. It’s like, I know the kale is going to be good for me, I know the Tapatio Doritos do me no favors, I know how good I’ll feel after eating the bag of kale, I know the kale is an acquired taste and if I keep going, I’ll love it more than Tapatio Doritos (maybe…right?), but I’m NOT THERE YET. So I’m struggling.
I feel pinched off from Dana when I don’t have my alignment.
And that’s the unbearable part.
Meriah Nichols is a counselor. Solo mom to 3 (one with Down syndrome, one on the spectrum). Deaf, and neurodiverse herself, she’s a gardening nerd who loves cats, Star Trek, and takes her coffee hot and black.