Dana and I talked about everything. He was curious, I was analytical, so between the two of us, we’d mentally dissect just about everything.
What would it feel like to be drunk? Smoke? How about sex – what would sex be like? We talked about it all, long before either of us actually did anything. And the first of us who would do something would report back to the other.
We talked at length about how it felt to have Grandma hold our hands and leave this world. About what it was like to miss someone so much (- he, with Grandpa and me, with Grandma). We wondered what it was like for them, souls free. We also wondered if we had to be on our best behavior all the time now, knowing they would be watching. Haha.
With Dana gone, I keep turning to find him, wanting to ask him what it’s like to die. How is it? What was it like? How does it feel to leave? What did the coma feel like? What about the actual transition? Did you know how much we wanted you to stay? How much we love you? How bereft the world is, without your presence? How borderline-unbearable?
So, with all of this in my mind and heart for the past 3 weeks, I wasn’t surprised when I found the first recording in my lineup from Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday was a show from 2012, “Proof of Heaven” with Dr. Eben Alexander. I knew it was Dana’s way of reaching out to me.
Proof of Heaven
Eben Alexander had been in a coma, and experienced the other world. He came back and wrote about it in his book, “Proof of Heaven.”
Of course I bought the book immediately after watching the show (which was captioned on my DVR; I don’t think this one is?).
The book, “Proof of Heaven” was powerful. As a neurosurgeon, Eben Alexander explains the brain and the experience that he had from a medical standpoint. He then talked at length about what the other world was like for him, as well as the transition back.
I was angry that Eben Alexander had come back and Dana didn’t.
I felt guilty too, wondering if Eben only came back because his hand had been held constantly throughout his time in the coma? Dana’s hand wasn’t held the entire time. Was that why Dana didn’t stay – because he didn’t have a tether to this world? Mikey told me not to “go there.” I’m trying not to.
It’s not easy.
Nor is it easy to focus on what I think Dana’s experience is now. I know that when I do, when I really try and focus on HIM, and the joy that I have no doubt Dana is living now, I am okay. If I deviate from this and start thinking about me and how miserable I am that he’s not around (for the rest of my life? I can’t do this…), then I slip-slide down into a cesspool of sorrow.
But I’m trying. I really am.
Meriah Nichols is a counselor. Solo mom to 3 (one with Down syndrome, one on the spectrum). Deaf, and neurodiverse herself, she’s a gardening nerd who loves cats, Star Trek, and takes her coffee hot and black.