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Reasons I Drink…

Reasons I Drink…

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This is a personal post about spaces of feeling things so deeply we don’t know how to process them. And about Alanis Morrisette and growing into middle age.

Reasons I Drink

I loved this song by Alanis Morrisette so much.

Lyrics

These are the reasons I drink
The reasons I tell everybody I’m fine
Even though I am not
These are the reasons I overdo it
I have been working since I can remember
Since I was single digitsNow
Even though I’ve been busted
I don’t know where to draw the line
‘Cause that groove has gotten so deep

And nothing can give reprieve like they do
Nothing can give a break for this soldier like they do

Here we are
I feel such rapture and my comfort is so strong
One more hit
It feels so helpful in my need for respite

And here are the reasons I eat
Reasons I feel everything so deeply
When I’m not medicated
And so that’s it, I am buying a Lamborghini
To make up for these habits
To survive this sick industry

Nothing can give reprieve like they do
Nothing can give me a break from this torture like they do

Here we are
I feel such rapture and my comfort is so strong
One more sip
It feels so helpful in my need for some long overdue respite

And these are the reasons I don’t even think I would quit
And these are the reasons I can’t even see straight, and
And these are the ones whom I know it so deeply affects
And I am left wondering how I would function without it

Here we are
I feel such rapture and my comfort is so strong
One more rip
I go from one lilypad to another to stay lit

We Can’t Handle the Feelings

We get all these addictions to numb out all the feelings. We can’t cope, process or deal with everything we feel so keenly, intently.

If we get addicted to drinking, eating, working, love; addicted to social media, to anything and everything that can numb it out so it’s bearable.

When my brother died, I started trying to meditate, to just sit with my feelings and breathe through them. Most of my doing that was because I found that if I did it first thing in the morning, I could remember snippets of dreams with my brother in them and I felt closer, more connected with him. It was definitely an incentive.

But meditating is hard and it’s really boring.

I have slipped on and off the wagon of trying many times over the past few years. It has just gotten to the point though in which I have gradually – by dint of wellness – had to make it a priority. What this means is, despite meditating being hard and boring, the times in which I’ve been able to do it, even if only for a couple of minutes, it’s created such a shift in me that I’ve been drawn to do more because I need that shift.

You know what it reminds me of?

It reminds me of times when I wake up at 3 in the morning, then can’t go back to sleep. I function in zombie-mode all day, with my head in a trap of exhausted fog. When I’m able, I sit down and crash into a power nap. Even though I can only sleep for 20 minutes or so, that release from the trap of mind-fog is exquisite. Blissful. Incredible sweet.

That’s how it feels in my self to hit a point in meditation in which I actually. get there, to that calm place, even if it’s only for a minute or two (after 10, 20 minutes of trying to calm my monkey mind and wandering thoughts).

Connecting with Myself Releases the Need to Drink

I’m on the cusp of being 48 years old, and I feel like I can honestly say that, for the first time in my life, I feel more free from any type of addiction than I ever have been.

while woman with brown hair sitting cross legged, meditatingI don’t drink anymore. No hard or fast rules about it, maybe I will sometime? But I don’t feel like it.

I don’t smoke anymore. That’s just gross.

I don’t have sex anymore. I’m not married and it’s just too much effort to date.

I don’t have eating disorders anymore. Hating myself was draining.

I am not on social media that much. It actually gets boring.

I don’t do drugs. I never did get into them, even pot.

I see now that it’s not about deprivation

I don’t think staying away from any of the addicting stuff is supposed to be hard, and I don’t think it IS hard to stay away from it when the fundamental reason for needing the addicting pieces is resolved.

If we are getting into addictions because we can’t bear to feel our feelings, because it’s all just TOO MUCH, then finding a way to connect with those feelings is what is going to wind up being the most powerful shifting force. Find a way to connect with our feelings, and we remove the reason to drink.

_______

That’s the main thing that I thought I wanted to say in this post, but I’ve realized – after listening to this entire new album of Alanis Morrisette’s like, 50 million times, that there is something else I want to say.

It’s that I see her being as real, gifted, and powerful as she ever was. But she’s right around my age, and I absolutely love seeing her with her wrinkles and mom-look and beauty through it all.

I’m not interested in being young again.

I’m not interested in being anything other than who I really am; but slipping into that skin and feeling that what I have to say has meaning or power can be a challenge. My gratitude for an album from Alanis that resonates with me helps remind me that reaching IN is the best thing we can possibly do. That every song, every sentence, every creation we pull together is going to resonate with someone, somewhere in this magnificent universe.

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