On this day, 4 years ago.

On this day, 4 years ago.

On this day, 4 years ago. You can hear me read this by clicking below, or subscribing to the podcast at the end of this post. _________________________________________________________________ I don’t have such a memory for this day, 4 years ago. I didn’t post anything on social media on this day, 4 years ago. My dear friend…

Understanding the Connection Between Flowers and Stars
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Understanding the Connection Between Flowers and Stars

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_message style=”round”]This is a post about grief.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] I’ll never forget driving to the Bay Area from Redding. Dana had been released from this life. Mom, Dana’s daughters and I had dealt with the Sheriff’s office for hours – since Dana had been shot in Humboldt county, and since the bullets were still in him when…

“Don’t Be Scared of the Dark,” He Said
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“Don’t Be Scared of the Dark,” He Said

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_message message_box_style=”outline” style=”round” message_box_color=”success” icon_fontawesome=”fa fa-gratipay”]This is a post about grief.[/vc_message][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I had been crying so hard and so long that I couldn’t open my eyes properly. They were puffy, swollen up so that seeing through them was a chore. I also didn’t understand why this in particular was hitting me so hard. I was turning…

Full Circle

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]When we first moved to Hawaii from Fiji, Dana was 14 and I was 13. We were too young to work in America – and we were both pretty upset about it, as Fiji had had no such “child welfare” rules. Being suddenly dependent on our (broke) parents was awful. Dana turned 15 (the legal…

If I Had Known Then What I Know Now
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If I Had Known Then What I Know Now

[vc_row css=”.vc_custom_1503581732256{background-color: #e0e0e0 !important;border-radius: 2px !important;}” kswr_row_top_decor_enabled=”false” kswr_row_bottom_decor_enabled=”false”][vc_column][vc_column_text]Trigger Warning: guns, violence, death. Grief.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_empty_space][vc_separator color=”turquoise” style=”shadow” border_width=”6″ el_width=”70″][vc_empty_space][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]I am astonished at how aimless I remain, Dana. I’ve been waking up even earlier than my usual 5 in the morning, often at even 3:30. I get my coffee, my laptop, candles lit. Meditate. I get online, ready…

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Walking Through Water

[vc_row][vc_column][vc_custom_heading text=”My brother has been gone for 4 months” font_container=”tag:h2|text_align:left|color:%23000000″ google_fonts=”font_family:Cinzel%3Aregular%2C700%2C900|font_style:700%20bold%20regular%3A700%3Anormal” css=”.vc_custom_1574179790918{background-color: #efefef !important;}”][vc_column_text]I’ve developed a routine: I wake up in the morning, go and light a candle for my grandparents and for my great-aunt Ruby and place it in my shrine. I light another for my brother, Dana, which I carry with me to…

A Bathtub

A Bathtub

I’m having a hard day. Everything is reminding me of Dana, and of Dana being gone. It’s hitting me in every direction. That song? He’s gone. That movie? He’s gone. That joke? He’s gone. That book? He’s gone. He’s gone, he’s gone, HE IS GONE. With him goes the only person (besides Grandma) that I…

The Problem with Belief

A belief is only a thought that you keep thinking. If you think anything long enough, it will become a belief. And, as everyone knows, whatever it is that you believe will become your reality. So the trick to changing things in your life is to focus on thinking thoughts that you WANT to believe,…

To the Edge of the Woods

To the Edge of the Woods

There is nothing like a crisis for making social media meaningful. I mean, day in and day out, it’s just an information clearinghouse and news board. Then something huge happens and reading each and everyone’s comment of love and support means the world to me, when all I want to do is crawl into a…