The State of My Uterus: 37 Weeks

I distinctly recall being 37 weeks pregnant with both my Little Man and Moxie. There is sense of exuberation, the "I DID IT!!" kind of kick-my-heels-together-in-joy feeling. Knowing that if he were born today, he'd technically be okay, just fine. That I'm growing my little human well. It's marvelous.

 

And marvelous to feel marvelously about something when I've got that raging pelvic pressure, the inability to breathe much, the heartburn and neausea that smack me broadside. My swollen-ness, the fatigue, feeling nothing so much as a beached whale. And in all that, knowing how very good I have it – all this stuff I am experiencing is so dreadfully typical. I'm 39 years old, I'm chasing 2 little kids around all day. I'm so lucky this is the worst of it, and compared to other people, I know I have it easy. So I think I like to just complain sometimes, just to roll around in these last few weeks of being pregnant for the last time.

 

20 days, actually, of being pregnant for the last time. Or less, if he comes naturally.

***

Back to where we were – Boo in breach position. He's still in breach – we'll find out more later on today – but after extracting a promise from My One True Darling to make me as absolutely comfortable as possible, I've decided to let Boo incubate till the very end. No early slicing out.

 

I also heard 2 really comforting kernels of wisdom from friends:

 

1. A friend had 2 c-sections. She said her second was much better than the first, far more empowering. She said that each birth experience is really different and even if Boo comes via caesarean, there is room to hope and believe that his birth can be a lot easier and less traumatic than Micah's

2. Another friend reminded me this is a birth; it's not the Placenta Incident. I won't be in the hospital for a week alone with this. C-section or not.

I feel a lot more at peace about it all.

 

Sort of.

*******

Yeah, sort of.

 

I think it's more true to say that I'm quietly kind of freaking out. About oh, just about everything.

 

Post partum:

The bed: how am I going to get up and down that loft thing?

The couch: will it be awful I sleep on the couch?

The dishes: ugh. Should we just stock up and use paper for the month of November?

Food: how do I get this stuff ready when I feel like I am going to explode any minute?

Clothes for Boo: oh wow. We are set for 3-6 months but it looks like he's got only two things to wear from 0-3mths.

Car Seat: between my Mom's car and ours, we need an update on all the seats, pretty much. Moxie's outgrown hers and I'm not sure that the car seat my friend Katie gave us for Boo will fit the stroller. Ack.

The kids: how is this going to happen? Mikey is only on leave for a week, then he's part time for a while longer.

 

** insert break for me to freak out and try to breathe and get washed up with stupid crazy heartburn **

 

Sometimes I despair at myself because I look at these other moms, their act so together. They have everything ready months before their baby comes. The problem with me and depression is that this is how it can work: I see some picture online of some perfect mom who has some perfect crib and layette and car seat and whatever for her baby. She's fit, she's read-set. Her baby won't be in breach! And then I feel like such a failure, and wonder what right do I even have, to be having kids, when I'm not like that? My kids don't ask to be brought into the world; how could I be so callous, so irresponsible, to bring them in when I don't have these things set up?

 

So the spiral starts and I slide right on down and get very, very upset. Depression never has rhyme or reason. It's a mindless song-and-dance of dark spinning wheels and clawing old memories that just want to embrace brightness, crush it in their murky, tar-like grip.

 

Then eventually I hit the bottom and look up and see the photos or whatever it was that originally got me started with that cycle of depression and think, oh but it will be okay. Kids like to be naked! Right?! All this baby really truly needs is love, breastmilk, sleep and a warm spot next to my heart. Right?

 

Don't go telling me I'm wrong now. I'm too hormonal.

****

I"ll go in this afternoon. See my OB, see how Boo is. I suppose things will be more clear at that point.

 

And it wouldn't hurt me at all if you sent a prayer or two my way: to keep my head up, my heart on, regardless of which direction this baby chooses to be in.

 

Meriah

is a deaf blogger, global nomad, tech-junkie, cat-lover, Trekkie, Celto-Teutonic-peasant-handed mom of 3 (one with Down syndrome and one gifted 2E).

She likes her coffee black and hot.


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12 Comments

  • I've been sending thoughts your way anyway, but now that I know that things are a little murky I'll send some even better ones.  Maybe some local friends will rally and drop off some tiny little things for you.  Heck, I'd send you some, but then poor Boo would be dressed all in pink.  Paper dishes sound perfectly reasonable.  And maybe some kind of a meal train with an additional request to do a load of dishes?  I was pretty darn prepared for Cora, but that was because I wasn't chasing around any other kids.  And even though Cora is (at this point at least) way less get-into-everything-ish than your kids are, there is no way I would be that prepared again.  Its' true.  Newborns don't need much.  A couple more little outfits and you'll be set.  There's nothing wrong with wearing stuff a little big, either.  xoxo

  • Hi! I am hearing you! Here are my two cents.

    Dishes. Yes, why not. Get paper plates and use them for a month. In the grand scheme of things your focus on unmaterialistic living, in my humble opinion has bought you a few chips to keep you from going crazy in the first weeks.  

    Clothes for Boo. Go buy a 5 pack of onesies from Target and voila, your 0-3 mo wardrobe for Boo is complete. They are pretty much out of that size in about 6 weeks. 🙂

    Car seat – we've got our infant car seat for Boo. I'll bring it over this weekend and you can give it a try.

    The bed. Do you necessarily have to go up and down the loft?

    Sofa. Maybe put a sheet down for the prime milking-spit-up months. 

    Bye-bye problems. Just let Meriah have some peace.

    Anne xoxoxo

  • Re: paper plates: do it! We are totally saving up paper plates for postpartum. Also, about food- if you can stock up on frozen lasagnas and canned soup, do it! They'll be perfect and warm for the winter. Also, I can always bring you something.

    And yeah- we don't have anything for our baby either. I got rid of all our baby clothes a year ago thinking we were done for a while. I figure babies are naked for 9 months- what's a few more?

    It'll all work out- a month from now you'll have your little one in your arms! That's really soon! Think about where you were a month ago- and that has passed by so quickly!

  • Comment:

    Meriah, if it helps at all, I had 3 c sections and none were as bad as the first one.  The second was actually the easiest.  One thing I read before I had my second was that right after you have your baby, begin moving.  Grab the bars on the side of your bed and start moving (slowly 🙂 from side to side.  The movement gets your blood flowing and helps to speed up the healing.  I think it also helped that I wasn't as scared with the second as with the first, I had a better idea what to expect.  See is you can find yourself something to read about how to recover from c sections. Oh also, even if it seems counter intuitive, take all your pain meds as soon as they are scheduled.  Again, this will help you to heal and move.  I did breastfeed my kids and what I did was take the medication directly after the feeding to cut down on the possibility of the baby getting much if any of the medication.

    Lisa

  • I am praying Boo turns for you.  You will figure it all out.  Your kids are loved and wonderfully taken care of.  Xoxoxox

  • I was not prepared for Hailey or #2.  They are all fine.  Paper plates will do fine.  If your two kids are like mine, they don't need gourmet meals to be happy and well-fed.  Buy 3 or 4 onesies or sleepers and you are good to go!  Don't be so hard on yourself…it will all work out!!!!  Definitely use the couch…it will do.  My sister and sister-in-law both had two csections and said the 2nd was easier than the first.  If you need a second, ask for a binder (to keep wrapped around your midsection.  It keeps everything squished together and gives you a little more support to move around).  Happy thoughts and prayers your way!!!!

  • Oh! Mama! I'm going to have you and Boo in my prayers! Being the control freak that I am I would be freaking out as well. However, thanks to Manolo and his Dx I have changed (a tiny bit) and you're right, those pictures that we see of the perfect mom with the perfect life DO NOT EXIST! We all strugle one way or another. You will figure it out one day at the time! Besides, THAT perfect mom fit and ready might not be able to breasfeed, or might have other problems we can't see! Anyways… hang in there, everything will fall into place! Hughs!

  • Now that I read the commet above mine, she's right about the "binder" thing. My mom got me a spandex body suit to wear after the C section, that thing help  A LOT! I squeezed myself into that 3 days after and was driving back and forth the hospital like nothing had happened. It gives you support and makes you feel secure some way inside, nothing moves or hangs out loose if you know what I mean. I wore that thing for about 6 months! It also helps your body go back into shape!

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