When Everyone Has Left

Erin moved to Pennsylvania. Audrey & Leslie are in Thailand. Carolyn is in Afghanistan. Heather is on the road, somewhere in America. Yolanda is on her way to Qatar. Meredith is en route to Okinawa.

Everyone has left. Everyone has moved on.

***

It’s almost unbearable sometimes, these feelings of intense joy for my friends and simultaneously,wondering when on earth we are going to get our own show on the road.

It’s taking so long.

It’s going so slowly.

We’re playing an abbreviated waiting game that Dr. Seuss talks about: waiting for the check ups, the passports. Waiting for the insurance, the right truck, the camper. Waiting for the time, the money. Waiting for Moxie’s surgery. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

And in the meantime, the angst created from the to-do lists escalates. How are we going to get everything done? How can we handle this? Can we handle this? We need to handle this. We have no choice but to handle this. Nobody is going to handle this for us!

Then I have to laugh, or Mikey laughs and the worry goes away, but not the feeling that I’m standing on a train platform and all of my friends who have dreams of leaving too are actually on the departing train. And they are waving at me, I’m waving back but oh! How I want to be on that train too!

***

This is the part of the post where I want to write a bunch of platitudes that are going to set everything right. Explain away things. Liiiiike, how I’m a parent now and so I’m trying to be more responsible than I was before. Or liiiiiike how we are doing this on this teeeeeeny tiny budget so that’s why it’s taking so long so that’s okay, right. Or I want to talk about how living in America makes me chicken shit to a degree that almost embarrasses me. It’s this stupid fear that’s driven into us every day here: YOU GOTTA HAVE MONEY! You gotta have INSURANCE! It’s DANGEROUS out there, you can DIE and you need to WATCH OUT, SUCKAH!

But the truth? The truth is probably just that there isn’t really much to explain. We have 3 kids. We have 3 really little kids. The kids don’t go to any type of school. We only have occasional childcare in the form of my sainted, blessed mother. We don’t have a washing machine or dishwasher, so we spend a lot of time cooking and cleaning. We also spend a lot of time working. We don’t have a lot of money.

Getting our show on the road just takes time and as frustrating as it is to wait and watch and gather each twig by each twig to slowly and carefully build our fire, it’s a necessary lesson in patience and fortitude. It’s also a barometer in assessing the strength of our longing: it’s this hard to go: DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? You know?! THIS SHIT IS NOT EASY; STILL WANT TO GO FOR IT?!

And so. There it is.

When everyone has left and you are standing on the train platform, waving to them in the train is chugging ahead.

Happy for them – no: you are flippin’ BLISSED OUT ECSTATIC for them!!! – and glance at your motivational quote of the week and with a bit of renewed determination, sigh .

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Meriah
is a deaf blogger, global nomad, tech-junkie, cat-lover, Trekkie, Celto-Teutonic-peasant-handed mom of 3 (one with Down syndrome and one gifted 2E).
She likes her coffee black and hot.
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